


Finalized

by quicksilvermalec



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: (angst being the Author's Favorite), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Author's Favorite, Domestic Fluff, Domestic Malec, Domestic Sadness, Happy Ending, How Do I Tag, I Blame Tumblr, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Tried, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I don't even know what's wrong with me, I hate myself, I tried not to write this, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Bad At Titles, I'm Going to Hell, I'm so so so so so sorry, I'm so sorry, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Underage Drinking, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?, and a bad way, because I'm a fucking softie, but I couldn't ignore it i'm sorry, but mostly just the sadness part, enjoy????, fluff in the beginning?, i hate this, in a good way...??, mostly angst tho, oh yeah by the way, question mark?, some fluff at the end, that's what the warning is for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-04-23 07:35:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19146451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quicksilvermalec/pseuds/quicksilvermalec
Summary: "I love Magnus more than anything, I do. And I was happier with him than I've ever been in my life. But..."There's always a but.There shouldn't be, but there is.***Magnus and Alec are like twin suns; they are constantly too close and too far from each other, and when they crash together, they'll explode, and everyone around them will be hurt.





	Finalized

**Author's Note:**

> Otherwise known as: "The One Where Silver Hates Himself Because He Had A Great Idea but It Meant Fucking Some Shit Up".

The day the paperwork was finalized was the hardest day of Alec’s life.

He made it home, somehow, but then he collapsed on his bed and curled into the fetal position. He pulled his pillow into his arms and muffled his sobs with it. At some point, he drifted off into unconsciousness.

He relived the whole thing.

***

_Over a year previously…_

“Hey, Alec,” Izzy called while he was on his way out of the Institute. Alec turned to look at her.

“What’s up, Iz?” he asked.

“Well, I know you just finished a mission, but we’re a little hard-pressed on hands right now, and there’s nobody else I would trust to pick something up and completely excel on such short notice.”

Alec looked at her, touched. After her flattery, he didn’t think he could refuse. He smiled and nodded, and she handed him a debriefing packet (who knew they had those?).

“Thank you so much, big brother,” she said, looking immensely (and oddly) grateful. Alec just patted her shoulder gently and she walked away.

Alec pulled out his phone as he told himself, _it’s a one-time thing. It won’t happen again, and everything will be fine._

He shot Magnus a quick text. _Hey, baby, I’m so sorry but I’ll be pretty late tonight. Izzy needs me to handle some more Shadowhunter shit and I can’t refuse the Head of the Institute._

Magnus replied quickly with, **_I understand, darling. Have a good night, I’ll see you in a few hours. I love you._**

 _It’s a one-time thing,_ Alec repeated in his head, unsure as to why he was so anxious over this. _It won’t happen again._

It happened again.

***

Izzy asked Alec a couple more times to stay late for work. In the beginning, it was infrequent, because she knew he had a family and a life outside of the Institute (he didn’t even live there, and he was _married_ to _Magnus Fucking Bane_ ) but he never refused her when she approached him.

He suspected that, subconsciously, she was starting to rely on him to clean up other, more incompetent Shadowhunters’ messes when they inevitably fucked up their very simple jobs.

Around 8 months after she asked him to deal with that ‘one-time’ thing, Alec was staying at the Institute until at least twelve midnight 6 out of 7 nights of the week.

His husband never mentioned it to him.

Sober, that is.

***

It was Wednesday, and Izzy didn’t have anything else for Alec to do. It was barely 8 o’ clock, so he figured he’d go home and say goodnight to the boys before they went to bed.

When he pushed the door to the loft open, he found his husband laying on the couch, barely conscious.

“Hey, baby,” he whispered. Magnus’ head snapped up.

“Hello Al-Alexander,” he slurred. Alec was immediately on guard. Magnus was always articulate, except when he was drunk, and he hadn’t been heavily drinking since they got married.

Something else was going on.

“Hey, Magnus,” he murmured, sliding into place next to him on the couch. “What’s wrong, love?”

Magnus waved an inarticulate hand. “You’re… here,” he muttered wonderingly, in lieu of an answer. Alec stared at him.

“Of course I’m here, darling, I live here!”

“Oh I know,” he mumbled, “but you’re never here before like one in the morning.”

Alec looked at him silently for a very long moment. “Magnus,” he asked, “do you get drunk every night when I’m gone?”

Magnus looked away from his eyes then, choosing not to respond, but in a way he already had. “Magnus…” Alec sighed, not knowing what to do. He snaked an arm around Magnus’ shoulder and the warlock’s head lolled against his chest. He sat there for a long moment, thinking about Magnus and alcohol and guilt, and was startled out of his thoughts by a soft snore.

He jerked, then looked down at his husband in his arms. He’d fallen asleep against Alec. Alec smiled fondly in spite of himself, wrapped his other arm around Magnus’ legs, and bridal-carried him to their shared bed – much the way he had on their actual wedding night.

(Despite what Alec told _everyone_ , Magnus was the one who did the actual carrying.)

Alec wrapped his body protectively around Magnus and fell asleep holding the man he loved, allowing himself not to feel guilty for just this little bit of time.

When he woke up, it was a whole different story.

***

Magnus woke up and found himself – surprisingly – being spooned by his husband. He twisted his body to look at him, more than a little shocked.

He was still asleep, and he looked so peaceful. His arms were locked around Magnus’ waist, restricting his movement, but Magnus didn’t mind too much. It meant he was close, and safe.

Alec wasn’t usually here in the mornings. He usually got home after Magnus was asleep and left before Magnus woke up.

Magnus looked at him with a profound and deeply shocking mixture of sadness, anger, and grief.

Then he settled himself back into his Alexander’s grip and fell asleep for fifteen more minutes.

***

He woke up before Magnus did. He carefully maneuvered himself so he didn’t wake the warlock and went into the kitchen to make breakfast.

Izzy had told him to go home and not come back until noon tomorrow because he looked so tired, and he wasn’t going to complain – he wanted time with his husband and children.

When Magnus came out of their room, his hair mussed and his face devoid of makeup – the way Alec secretly loved it – Alec smiled at him, gestured a vague ‘good morning’ with a spatula, and Magnus settled about making them both coffee.

The boys came out a little later, and they all ate scrambled eggs with ketchup, medium-rare bacon (because that was how the children liked it, and everything is catered to the children’s tastes as long as they live in your house) and soft pancakes drowned in syrup.

Alec enjoyed the meal with his family… minus the part where they made not-so-subtle barbs about the fact that it barely ever happened.

For example; when he first entered the kitchen to see Alec at the stove and Magnus leaning against the opposite counter sipping coffee, Max said without thinking, “hey, it’s nice to finally see you for once, Dad.”

Alec felt like they were maybe piling the guilt on a bit thick, but then again. Maybe they weren’t.

He didn’t know, and that was what scared him.

***

A year and a few months after that _one-time thing_ , Alec was at the loft for approximately 5 hours a day; the hours of 1 am to 6 am.

Izzy didn’t know how much tension she was putting on Alec’s home life, and he intended to keep it that way. Guilt was not a viable option.

Magnus was still drinking and buying more alcohol than ever. Max and Rafe had only one parental figure that was really present in their lives. And Alec was drowning himself in demons.

Alec came home from a mission one day to shower and change around one o’ clock, and found Magnus completely shitfaced.

“Magnus, I’m worried about you. And think about the example you’re setting for the kids!” he shouted in a fit of anger.

“You’re _worried_ about me? You’re working yourself to death and you don’t even care! And by ‘the kids’ do you mean the kids that you Skype in your parenting for?”

Alec softened a little. “Baby, I don’t want to watch you drink your life away.”

Magnus only seemed to get angrier at Alec’s retraction. “You won’t even be here to see it!”

Alec visibly flinched at that, Magnus sighed and turned away, and they didn’t speak for the rest of the day.

***

Max and Rafael insisted that they were old enough to take care of themselves and they didn’t need babysitters anymore because _Jesus, Papa, we’re teenagers now, we know how to make some food and feed the cat and call you every goddamn hour you overprotective fuck_.

So when Jace and Izzy came over to the loft (which they did frequently), they just called it “hanging out” with Max and Rafe, rather than “babysitting” Max and Rafe.

They were running a little late one day, so Magnus was already maybe a half hour gone when they arrived. When they did, they were shocked and mortified.

Max and Rafe were sitting at the table with small glasses (not tiny ones like shot glasses, but regular small thick glasses as opposed to tall thin ones) in front of them, and they were about ¾ of the way full of a clear liquid which looked like water but upon closer inspection would prove to be, unfortunately, vodka.

Now, Izzy and Jace would have been fooled into thinking it was water if not for the fact that they each had two glasses _and_ they were slurring, giggling uncontrollably, and trying to grab each other’s faces and missing by a mile.

Izzy stormed up to them and, as she did, the previously hidden bottle of vodka itself came into view. She picked it up and held it out accusatorily.

“What in the name of the everloving Angel is this?” she demanded sharply. Behind her, Jace had his arms crossed and an impassive look on his face, which was never good for his nephews. He was more cheerful around them than he was around anyone other than Simon. He loved them more than the entire world.

“Hm hm,” Max laughed, swaying a little bit. “I think it’s alcohol.”

Izzy sighed and slammed the bottle down on the kitchen counter so hard it exploded. A piece of glass flew toward her and made a shallow cut on her arm, but she didn’t seem to care.

“You,” she said slowly and dangerously, “are fourteen years old. You _do not_ consume alcohol or any other mind-altering substances except in controlled environments such as your parents sharing their wine with you. This-” she gestured between them with one hand, “is completely unacceptable. I am going to tell your dads right now what’s happening. I cannot even _begin_ to express how fucking furious I am right now.”

Rafe stood up from his chair and walked on shaky legs to the couch. “Daddy’s never home,” he complained.

“What?” Jace asked.

“Daddy’s always at work and Papa’s always drinking and when they’re in a room together they fight and it makes me sad so we were drinking so we wouldn’t be sad because Papa has all this alcohol and he uses it so why can’t we use it?”

“Because he’s legal and you’re children!” Izzy screamed, holding her unlocked phone in her hand and gesturing wildly with it.

She sighed and then pressed Alec’s name on speed dial.

He picked up after two rings.

“What do you want?” he asked shortly.

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood-Bane, you need to get your shitty gay ass back to your house right this motherfucking second or something very bad will happen.”

Alec’s sigh was audible through the line. “I’m on my way.”

She made a very similar text to Magnus.

When the two of them arrived, Jace had put Max and Rafael to sleep, and Izzy was left to explain what was going on.

“Your sons,” she told the two men, “decided that while they were alone today, they should get piss-fucking-wasted. Because apparently their dad is never home and their parents fight like crazy and their papa is always drinking. What the fuck is going on with you two?”

Alec shoved past her, hitting her hard and intentionally with his shoulder.

“Nothing, Izzy,” he replied, cold and clipped. “It’s none of your goddamn business.”

Magnus gave her an apologetic look, then followed his husband into their son’s room to punish him.

“Get your shit together!” Izzy shouted after him.

***

So the day that the paperwork was finalized was the most painful day of Alec’s life.

He somehow got through all of the paperwork stuff, and being around Magnus all day, but then he collapsed, totally out of energy by the time he made it to the Institute.

He woke abruptly when the mattress dipped under him and he sat straight up, his spine a metal rod. He realized that Izzy was sitting on the bed and Clary, Jace, and Simon were standing behind her, sighed, and sat up.

“What’s up, guys?”

“Where have you been all day?” Clary asked before Izzy could respond.

Alec took a deep breath. “Um… well, I was at the courthouse.”

“Why?” Izzy asked, like that was the last answer she’d expected (it probably was).

Alec looked away. “Magnus and I got divorced. It was finalized today.”

Everyone in the room recoiled.

“What in the _actual_ fuck?” Simon exclaimed. “The two of you were more in love than anyone I’ve ever seen. How could you have gotten divorced?”

“Well, it’s complicated,” Alec started. Izzy scoffed.

“Have you ever heard of a divorce that wasn’t?”

Alec glared at her. “Can you please just let me talk? If I don’t say it all at once I won’t get through it. I know myself.”

Izzy nodded and pursed her lips.

“Um…” Alec looked at his sister regretfully. “Well, you needed me.”

“What?” she asked blankly.

“You needed me to kill demons. You needed me to cache weapons. You needed me to be a Shadowhunter. _And_ , on top of that, you needed me to be your big brother.” He had tears in his eyes, he knew it. “That’s my first job, above all else, and so I did it to the best of my ability. And then one extra mission turned into two and two extra missions turned into five and five extra missions turned into a thousand, and… there are only so many hours in the day. I stopped having enough time for my husband.” He let out a choked sob and his voice got weaker and more pathetic.

“And then Magnus started drinking again, and I didn’t even _know_ until one day when I got home before fucking midnight, for once. I was constantly away from home and I couldn’t just tell you no, because you needed me. And on the rare occasion that I’d be home while everyone else was awake, Magnus and I would fight over my being gone and his drinking. And then I finally considered suggesting to Magnus that we split up, or at least separate – I could come live here, at the Institute – but then there was the day that you found Max and Rafe smashed out of their minds in Magnus’ dining room. The day after that he came to me and said, ‘I can’t be married to you anymore.’" Alec took another deep, shaky breath.

"I love Magnus more than anything, I do. And I was happier with him than I've ever been in my life. But..."

There's always a but.

There shouldn't be, but there is.

"But what, Alec?" Simon asked him gently.

"But we were fucking each other over, and we were making each other's mental health worse, and he needed me gone. So now we’re done.”

It felt like a lame ending to the tale, but he didn’t know how else to finish it. That was the end of it, after all. He and Magnus would share custody of their kids, but besides that they’d never see each other.

He didn’t want that, but he didn’t know that he really had a choice.

Izzy looked at him like she wanted to cry with him. She settled for leaning forward and hugging him.

“I love you, big brother,” she whispered.

“I know,” Alec whispered back.

***

Four days after his big admission, Izzy called a huge meeting of the entire Institute. Once everyone was gathered, she started to speak. No preamble, just straight to the point.

“From now on,” she announced, “no Shadowhunter will be forced to work for longer than a clockable 40 hours per week, and if you have reached forty hours and you are asked to do something else that could be considered work-related i.e. working within the Institute, you will not be forced to do it if you don’t want to. You will be paid overtime, but you will not be ordered to do anything beyond your typical work schedule. Am I understood?”

There was a general affirmative murmur among the Shadowhunters and Izzy dispersed the group. “Hey, Alec, can I talk to you?” she asked. He nodded.

“I’ve been looking through the _Codex_ ,” she started, “and there’s nothing in there that says I can’t do this, so… Alec Lightwood, as the head of the New York Institute I hereby grant you one full year of leave from any and all Shadowhunter duties. If you wish to participate in a Shadowhunter killing or whatever, that’s fine, but it will not end your hiatus. You can come to me at any time and decide you’re done, but I didn’t think you’d want to be.”

Alec smiled weakly, faintly. “I love you, Izzy,” he whispered, “but it’s a little late for that.”

“Better now than never,” Izzy tried to brush it off.

Alec just nodded, and Izzy rolled her eyes exasperatedly.

 _“GO TALK TO HIM!”_ she shouted. He reeled, held his hands at shoulder-height, and left to find Magnus.

***

“Magnus…”

“Alexander. What brings you to my humble abode?”

“I, uh. I wanted to say I’m sorry. And I love you. And I miss you. And Izzy just told me that I don’t have to be a Shadowhunter for a year, and I… I know I fucked up, Magnus. I should have told her no. I should have drawn a line. I should have had boundaries. But I didn't, and then we were fucked up and I didn't know how to fix it. I let you down. I didn't deserve you. But I want- I want to try to deserve you. I want to earn your love."

Magnus looked at him silently for a very long moment. "I'll see you around, Alec."

He shut the door in his face.

He turned, closed his eyes, and leaned his back against the door until he heard Alec's retreating footsteps. When he opened his eyes, he saw Max and Rafe standing in front of him timidly.

"Papa?" Rafael asked. Magnus collapsed bonelessly, pulling both of them against him.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "My blueberry, my angel, I'm so sorry."

***

Alec was talking to Izzy when his phone buzzed.

 _ **I'm weak, Alexander**_  the text said. Alec stared at it as two more texts came through.

**_I don't want to give you another chance. You've hurt me so, so much, and I'm running out of trust and patience._ **

**_But I love you, you stupid Nephilim, more than I thought I would. So I'll give you a chance. I won't promise anything else - I can't - but I promise I will try._ **

Alec took a deep breath and allowed himself a small smile.

_Hey, Magnus. Let's do this all over again._

**_What do you mean?_ **

_Would you like to go on a date with me? So I can get to know you?_

_... again?_

Magnus didn't reply for a very long time, so Alec put his phone away and continued his conversation with Izzy. When he got back into his bedroom, he pulled his phone out again.

On his lock screen, he had a 4-minute-old text from Magnus.

_**Yes. I think I would.** _

This wasn't going to be easy. Alec had a lot of trust to rebuild. But Magnus had always made everything better for him, and he chose to believe he always would. Magnus made him stronger.

He could do this, if it meant he could get back to Magnus.

He put his phone away, with a gentle, shy smile on his face, hope for the future blooming in his chest.

**Author's Note:**

> I regret ever being born.
> 
> This was a start-to-finish rollercoaster ride and I fell asleep for like 3 seconds 8 different times while writing this. The only reason I'm still awake is so I can see writingisntapastime's comment when she finishes reading it.
> 
> I hope you liked it.
> 
> Love,  
> -Sil
> 
> UPDATE: as of 06/11/19, I have changed the ending to this fic to hopefully make it more believable.
> 
> I would like to formally apologize for the way this fic ended before I updated it. In a lot of fanfiction, especially Malec, when one of them does something, the other one just accepts their apology without any real consequences. Magnus deserves better than that. Magnus is seriously hurt by Alec's actions, and Alec can't just go back to him and say "I'm sorry, do you still love me?" and make everything okay. That's what the _**I won't promise anything**_ is about. He's telling Alec that he will attempt to repair their relationship, but he also will be setting boundaries for himself and that those boundaries will take priority, and if Alec isn't up to scratch, he's going to leave him behind again for the sake of his own mental health.
> 
> Magnus is a BAMF.


End file.
